Medieval Freakin Times!

Ever since I saw The Cable Guy, I've wanted to go to Medieval Times. Cheesy and corny, I know, but it's been a bizarre dream of mine since 1996. They have multiple locations throughout the US, but the closest to Philly are in Baltimore or upper Jersey. Remember a few weeks back when I ended up at a random pub in Baltimore? Yeah, that's cuz we were morons and showed up without prior reservations and got denied. Yep, it was sold out. Who knew medieval themed dinner theater was such a hot-ticket item? Not me!

And this time around, the odds were still against us. We bought tickets in advance, but it was like all the powers that be did not want us to go! The weather sucked... it was practically monsooning. And we got stuck multiple times in traffic. There were at least 2 dozen car wrecks... it was a damn mess. And don't get me started on the ticket printout fiasco. Ugh. By the time we got to Hanover, MD, it was a good 20 minutes past the 7:30 starting time, but we scored rock star parking, and we still got pretty decent seats. We were all the way at the top section, but we were in the middle, and got a good view of everything.


So yes, in addition to the show which is chock-full of horsemanship, long-haired boys dressed as knights, jousting, swordplay, and falconry, they feed you! Witness the garlic bread and vegetable soup. Also witness the lack of utencils.

That's right people, you eat everything with your hands. There were no utencils during medieval times, hence there are no utencils at medieval times. Thank you very much. Really, both the soup and garlic bread were just fine. The soup even had chunks of carrot in it, and somehow, I did not mind.

Next up was this giant piece of roast chicken. That's not a tiny plate, nor is that a tiny piece of chicken. It's pretty damn big. And yeppers, it was pretty damn good. I even ate the skin, and I'm totally not into chicken skin. Although, I really did want to take the piece of skin and put it on my face and say "Clarice... the silence... of the lambs..." Yes, I may have a slightly unhealthy obsession with the Cable Guy. Oh yeah, by the way, they cook 1500 chickens a day (don't ask me how I know this). That must require a sizable kitchen.

Feasting with the hands! Wahoo!

There was so much damn chicken I didn't even finish mine. Then we got a bbq spare rib and half a seasoned potato. The rib was fine, but a bit on the paltry side. It was mostly bone, and not nearly enough pig. The potato was pretty good though. Just a solid piece of potato, nothin' to complain about here.

So since we got here so late, I didn't get to get a giant goblet of booze before the show. So eventually, when we got our pastry of the castle for dessert, I finally got my fill with a gloriously medieval strawberry daiquiri, which came in this wonderous hologram medieval times cup. I heart hilarious souvenirs. Um, both the pastry and daiquiri were great. I probably enjoyed the daiquiri a bit too much, and a bit too quickly. HA!

It's a totally family-oriented show, wholesome enough for the entire family, young, old, and in between. And they even give you doggy bags if you can't finish your enormous feast. The service was great. You are seated in a particular "stable" number, and you have an assigned serving wench or serf. We were all expecting wenches only, but we got Derrick, a serf. He was kickin back in some hot ass tights, and he was an excellent server. He never missed a beat and he had a great sense of humor. And he was super nice to all of us. We totally kicked him an excellent tip, it was completely deserved. Obviously, Medieval Times is not for everyone, but come knowing that you're going to poke fun at everything and revel in the hilarity of it all, and you will have a great time. And the food's pretty good too.